“Stand like a man, move like a legend, talk but with ACTION, that’s how you’ll be remembered. The greats learned that humility is a weapon; sever ties with the part of you too big to learn a lesson, sit in silence, to find the mind and try to find the Present, cuz we only get a few chances to be epic.” – Macklemore (Kings)
Dana White and I in the Octogon in Seattle on December 7, 2012
I quote Macklemore because it was his breakout year and he went mainstream. For those who know me well, they without a doubt know that I have been following his career since 2004. I think those lyrics will go hand in hand with a lot of the things I want to say. First of all, I apologize I have not been able to post in such a long time. I’ve taken a break, a long one, I know I’m still chatting facebook and twitter, but I’ve taken a break from things that have mattered to me. I am not sure what to think, I mean sometimes I want to express myself and I am so caught up in my thoughts that my emotions are all mixed up. I wanted to share this though because I hope someone out there can learn something a little bit about me, who I am, what I’ve been going through the last several days, and if not, maybe learn a little bit about themselves.
I finished the year awesome. In September I went to Disneyland, hung out with Goofy and Donald Duck. In October I went to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’s concert. It was sold out and I didn’t have tickets, yet they remembered me from previous shows before he hit stardom and put me on the list. December was just awesome. My friend Ken gave me a mint first print copy of the Janurary 1980 comic book “Uncanny X-Men #141” for my birthday. I intend to make a blog about that sometime in the future. Later that week, I took a trip back to Seattle to see the UFC on Fox 5, and also to see the Cardinals get pounded by the Seahawks 58-0. That whole trip is in a post by itself, I met Jon Bones and several others as well, but after personally meeting and speaking with Dana White 1 on 1, I left Seattle inspired to “REDEFINE Hustle & Hard work” The thing is, every time I go to Seattle, I leave a little piece of my heart and soul there. This time I came back with so much more than what I’ve lost. I could say it was the End of a chapter in my life and the start of another one. I let go of a lot of pain I had been holding inside of me.
This past July, someone important to me died of a heart attack and I placed a lot of blame on myself because before she passed away, we had gotten angry at each other and hadn’t spoken. It was over something extremely childish but I wanted to stand my ground because I know I had done nothing purposely wrong and yet as a man I should have put my pride down, called her and fixed it up. I didn’t do that. I know now that she is that she knows I’m right. I am angry at myself that I didn’t have many more conversations with her, but I am grateful for the time we did spend together, moments in life that made me smile and rejoice, moments that I will never be able to share with anyone.
Talking about conversations, I often want to have longer conversations with the people in my life.
I dislike sending e-mails.
I dislike sending texts.
I don’t feel it is genuine. I want to be able to emotionally connect with other people on much deeper levels.
When the last time you got a letter in the mail that was not a bill?
When was the last time you got a postcard from a friend visiting some other city?
Call me old school but I still send them. Call me old school but I still pick up the phone to call people to talk to them.
In a conversation I can recall with the girl who died of a heart attack, when I was first getting to know her, I said to her that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but if you were to actually peek in to my head, you’d see I’m always thinking mischievous thoughts, but when it comes down to the moment, I can’t seem to pull the trigger. I always end up doing the right thing. It is not in my nature to rip someone off, or take advantage of them. It is not in my nature to have a condescending attitude. Also, I will not show you emotion whatsoever in public. It’s tough for me.
I know I’m human, but sometimes I just want to unleash my anger on someone, and I can’t. I have a love for people that I just can’t define, but I’m sure some of my friends have felt it before. It’s not a love that was taught to me, it was a love I have always felt for everyone yet not know how to fully express it to them that I actually do care even if my actions don’t show it. Even when I’m un-purposely being a jerk to people by joking with them with one of the many various nicknames I give them. I’m the type who “wines and dines people” as some people put it, and I’m not looking for anything in return, just friendship and genuine conversation. I love to build people up, as in, I believe in the hopes, the dreams and goals of the people I come across and I do everything in my power to make them see things about them that they themselves do not see.
This is my character. This is who I am.
This is how my cup gets filled, by taking random friend out to dinner and just talking to them, hearing what they have to say, how they are doing. Recently I started bringing random co-workers fruit (an apple, a pear) or a random stranger standing outside a convenient store a hot chocolate or piece of gum. I walk around hi-fiving random people in public.
This is me, this is who I am.
One person said to me, “I don’t understand, every time we go somewhere, you always make new friends, every time we go out, people are always looking to give you something or hooking you up with things.”
I told them because I give everyone value and they recognize it. I told him that I am real with them; I don’t try and fake my interaction with them. They know I have something to offer them before asking anything of them first.
Sometimes I have life going for me so well, and people that don’t know me say I can come off as extremely arrogant, but once that get to know me learn that I’m rather quiet and reserved.
As of late I have kept an affirmation book and I cut and paste things on it every day. In moments that I feel down I pull out my book and read it. It lifts me up because they are compliments I give to myself. All my life I have had trouble taking compliments. For this reason, I give everyone compliments.
I try my hardest to perceive people more beautiful than they actually perceive themselves. There are many layers to me, many layers people do not see or I don’t reveal to them. I mean if you were to ask 50 of my friends who I am; I’m more than positive you would get 50 different answers. I’m the guy who can intermingle and blend in to any crowd like a chameleon and yet not belong to any certain tribe, because I don’t close myself off. It is not that because I am looking for myself, because I am a part of all those tribes, and yet at the same time, I am part of none of them.
I think I have hurt some people in my life and I have looked for a way to open a way of communication with them to find out what offense I may have committed against them so I am able to learn and grow as a person from it. I love to know what makes people get up in the morning, what moves them, what angers them, what makes them tick, what makes them smile, what is there reason for waking up and saying, today I am going to make things awesome. I know for a lot of my friends, it’s their children, but I ask, if their children were not there, why they would get up out of bed that day. These things make me curious.
I know this might sound a little stupid to some people but I often pray for others, sometimes I pray for random people I meet throughout the day, like a cashier lady at the store, a guy I see waiting at the bus stop. I pray for my friends and the people I know too, I pray for their safety, I pray for that they may be happy, that they may feel special or blessed.
For a very long time, while I attended college, when I dreamed, I never saw normal people, I always saw them in slow sluggish zombie-like states walking sluggish and I was moving rather quickly as opposed to them, I was always wondering what the heck was going on with everyone why they moved at a slower pace than myself. I wondered what I would have to do to awaken these people. Now I see the sands of time slipping down the hour glass and I’m the one that is trying to catch up with the rest of life around me. A great friend took me out to lunch this summer when I was a mess, I was not thinking clearly, but he reminded me that I had to get back in to the moment, the NOW and enjoy the ride, something I often forget.
My goal for a long time was to go to Law School, be a lawyer and kick butt in the law room for the underprivileged. As time goes on, that dream slips more and more. I don’t think I want to so much do that anymore.
My other goal is to start an academy like place for young men of single parent homes and teach them many life skills, yet, I am my worst enemy. I am harder than myself than I really think I am. This goes back to the compliments. I have it so good sometimes that I self-sabotage myself in order to really question if I really am in dreaming or if the actions of personal success are really happening around me. This is the main reason I have not taken a risk on this goal.
As for my goals, I’m not sure what I want to really do long term as a career right now, but I do know what I don’t want.
Some of the things I do want to do for 2013 is:
- I want to get back on a constant regular basis at the gym.
- I want to buy a new computer
- I want to buy a Nikon Digital SLR Camera.
- I want to buy my own Stairmaster.
- 13.1 miles is also on my list.
- Be more assertive.
- I want to meet up with some of the people I interact with on twitter and facebook that live in other states that I have not met.
Other long term goals include:
- I want to swim with Great White sharks off the coast of Australia or Baja California.
- I want to visit London, Brazil, Machu Pichuu and The Pyramids’ of Egypt.
- I want to restore a classic car
We’ll see where I go from here…
Thank you for taking the time to read my rant, this note, even if you have nothing to say or respond, I appreciate you taking the effort to read what is on my mind. I end this notes with 2 quotes from “The Rock”
“Success – chase it. Respect – earn it. Love – embrace it”
“Walk up to opportunities door, don’t knock… Kick it in, smile and introduce yourself. “-Dwayne Johnson
In 2013, I am going all in. I am betting it all.