I talked about her briefly in one of my posts in the past, I hope to go more in to detail about her today.
Venessa Natividad Miranda September 8, 1975 – July 17, 2012
“Hunger, a poet once said is the most important thing we know, the first lesson we learn, but hunger can be easily quieted down, easily satiated. There is another force, a different type of hunger, an unquenchable thirst that cannot be extinguished. It’s very existence is what defines us, what makes us human, that force is love.” – Abraham Setrakian in The Strain.
Vanessa Miranda would send me “good morning” texts every weekday at 9am, at Noon, she’d text me pictures of anything, from her old school typewriter, or what she ate, to sometimes pictures of her doing funny things at work.
Two years ago, today, July 17, 2012, I lost someone who was of great importance to me. Her name was Venessa Miranda. She was truly a pleasant and amazing soul. In Spanish I’d say she was “a todo dar”
On June 28, 2011. around 8:28pm a friend of mine on facebook posted a status regarding “La Bamba”
Being a smart alec, I posted a quote in regards to the movie. It was during that moment that I had beat another friend of hers to quoting the same quote. What caught my eyes was that this individual was wearing something purple. I don’t know what it is, but I am a huge sucker for women in purple. So this was how I came to be acquainted with Venessa Miranda. She sent me a “friend request” and I accepted.
As we chatted over the next couple days on facebook we had some things in common, like 80s music. I kept telling her how much she needed to download DJ Scene’s “2080s Mix”, We even exchanged phone numbers, and on the night of July 8th, I invited her out to dinner. She accepted, and of course, she wore a Purple dress. We talked for quite a bit that night. I was happy at the long conversation that we had because it had depth. She told me she still hadn’t downloaded the mix I had told her about because she only got online via her phone. So when I got home, I burned a couple copies of it, and I tossed them in my car for the next time I met up with her.
At the time I was working 12 hour shifts, but at 9am every morning, just as I was going on a quick break, she would always send me a text message wishing me well that day, or just conversation in general. She never missed a day. Funny thing, My Uncle had died on July 6th (two days before we met,) but I never mentioned it to her, she knew something was troubling me I told her a couple days later but did not go in to any details. I told her that I was headed for the funeral. Anyways, to make the long story short, I had no idea where she worked, but I told her that my uncle had a Mariachi playing at his funeral, and then she said, “Ralph Cruz” which was my uncles’ name. She then told me about her job. It really made me feel at ease. I was having a difficult time coping with everything and I decided that I needed to deactivate my Facebook, because it was becoming a distraction in my life. It was just a personal choice I made for the time being in order to get certain thoughts of mine in line. So on July 21, my Facebook got deactivated. (It stayed deactivated till Sept. 4) She texted me later that morning saying what I had done was “rude,” and “If I didn’t want to talk to her, then just tell her,” I had no idea what she was talking about, then she asked why I “had deleted her off Facebook,” I then texted her back and told her that I “liked her essence,” and I would explain later that day what I had “deactivated Facebook” and that I “was not ignoring her or pushing her away.” I told her I’d call her that night and tell why. It is kind of crazy, but I think this incident made us draw so much closer. I called her that night and explained my situation to her and she was compassionate, even supportive of what I had done (deactivating Facebook.) We talked on the phone for more than 2 hours that night in which we talked about everything and we talked about nothing. I told her a lot of personal things in my life that I had never confided in anyone. She was really supportive and encouraging regarding those matters in which I don’t think some professional counselor could have ever given me.
I was often spending much time in the gym, even on Saturday Nights to clear the mental distractions I was having in life, then one Saturday night she asked what I was doing, I told her where I was and it turned out she lived several blocks from it. She was at a party but we met up at the parking lot of the gym and I gave her the cd which she popped right in to her cd player of her small van she drove and started singing to the 2080s mix. I was definitely impressed that she did know her 80’s music. We went to Dennys to eat that night, she ended up ordering for me (Chicken Ranch Melt) and I ordered for her (Buffalo Ranch Melt.) Two weeks later of me giving her that cd, she told me that it had already been scratched up since she played it so much, so I gave her another one.
“Love, you see, is the one force that cannot be explained, cannot be broken down to a chemical process. It is the beacon that guides us back home when no one is there, and the light that illuminates our loss. Its absence robs us of all our pleasure and our capacity for joy. It makes our nights darker and our days gloomier, but when we find love, no matter how long, how sad, or how terrible, we cling to it, it gives us our strength, it holds us upright, it feeds on us, and we feed on it. Love is our grace…” – Abraham Setrakian in The Strain.
We spent a lot of time together, just about almost every OTHER Saturday when she didn’t have her kids, but we also gave each other plenty of space. I remember being with her on September 3rd and telling her how much she had help me grow as a person that last several months, telling her Thank You, and giving her a kiss on the forehead. We’d talk to each other about places we had never ate before and we’d go there and eat there together. She didn’t like that I liked garlic buttery shrimp, I knew she loved egg flower soup. I nicknamed her “cookie”
One day in December she sung to me “It Will Rain” by Bruno Mars. She said every time she heard that song, she thought of me. From that time on, I’d ask her to sing it to me and she would. The last time I spent with her was on April 14, 2012. That night I told her again how much she meant to me and that I was so grateful she had come in to my life and that I Loved her.
In early May of 2012, her and I had got in to an argument over something stupid. It was real childish now that I come to think of it, but what made it more childish; was the fact that it had been done over text messaging and neither of us was budging. We had never ever argued before. I became sad. Some of my coworkers picked up on this and often asking why I would space out.
On Saturday July 14, 2012, one of my coworkers said to me, “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but just call her,” aside from that I was having a personal sentiment that I did need to call her, even shoot her a text, but my pride was getting in my way. I felt like I had done nothing wrong, so why should I apologize? All weekend the same sentiment bugged me. Sunday, another friend of mine said, “If you don’t call her you are going to regret it,” People knew it was eating at me that I had not talked with her for a while. Monday came and I had the same sentiment that I needed to mend the situation between her and I. I went to sleep before calling her at 8pm which was the normal time I would often call her when we’d talk on the phone. I woke up on Tuesday July 17 and I had made the decision to call her that night. Sometime in the evening, the mutual friend had posted that she had passed away that evening. I called the mutual friend and got the details. I was in shock. I didn’t sleep for several days over the regret I felt. I went and saw “COOKIE” at the viewing and I wore my purple tie because I knew that was her favorite color. It was hard for me not to break down, a part of me was mad at myself for not being able to fix what I could have fixed so easily. It bothered me that the sentiment of reaching out to her lingered with me whole weekend lingered and I did nothing.
“There are many things I did not pause but to ask her, now I am filled with questions. I ask those questions in the quiet moments hoping to someday hear them answered in the wind. . .” – GC
After two years of being gone, I still haven’t deleted her phone number off my phone. Sometimes I just want to call her up and tell her this..
So what took me so long to share this with the world? At this point in my life, I feel as if I am in a rut, I’m often look to the sky and wonder what Venessa would tell me, if anything. I know she would not be mad at me. She helped me grow as a person immensely in the short time that I knew her, and considering all the time we spent together, I am sometimes sad that we never got a photo together. I still catch myself at times at 9am looking at my phone wondering if she will send me a “good morning text” with a message of encouragement that she always gave me. At times I want to think to myself that she is still mad at me or gone on a vacation and I just want to dial her number just to talk. Yes, after two years, I haven’t deleted her number off my phone. I could go on forever on how beautiful her soul was, but some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about. I had many of those with Cookie.
I just want to let Venessa Miranda, Cookie, know, and whomever else comes upon this blog, that wherever her essence may be dwelling, that I think of her every day, I miss her a lot and she is not forgotten. She truly was a special person, more special then people realize or know.